Cue the Staind song lyrics “Its been a while, since I posted a blog.” Okay maybe the words don’t quite go like that…anywho.
Something that has been and continues to be an issue for churches across America in dealing with youth and single people is the complex and messy issue of dating. EVERY youth pastor, pastor, young adults leader, cultural architect, high-priest of spiritual progress or whatever they want to call themselves wrestle with this issue. Countless books have been written, conferences held, summits attended and videos created about how to address the issue of dating. Books like “How I Kissed Dating Goodbye” – honestly this title made me gag when it came out.
Some of the common conclusions church leaders lead to people to are: “dating is practicing divorce,” “dating is settling for less than God’s best,” and “You should court, not date.” And then they dig deep into the scriptures to support their cases and provide evidence of why dating is ultimately a sin. Do they ever SAY dating is a sin? Not directly. But divorce is and “less than God’s standard” is a sin. I mean we the common explaination of Romans 3:23 is broken into modern english to say “we all have sinned and fall short of God’s standard.” So by these depictions of dating, we are sold that dating is a sin.
Boulderdash. That’s how I feel about the whole issue. Boulderdash. A made up idea that does not come from God’s word. Maybe its a way to curb fornication? But how many people do you know that are having sex with people that they aren’t dating? Quite a few, no?
There is a findamental problem with using Old Testament stories of courting and marriage and translating them into our culture – we don’t arrange marriages anymore! When I got married, (and yes my wife and I dated and still do date each other) I didn’t have to kick in 40 goats and a barn of wheat to marry her. Chances are, neither did the pastor who married his wife. Today we PICK who we marry and they are not chosen by our parents to settle a debt or make peace between warring tribes or kingdoms. The OT gave us insight to lives of kings and people of means in just about every situation involving marriage. So these, while they illustrate other great times of God’s work, do not translate as principles for the modern Christian. These things are “described” but not “prescribed.”
How do you address the topic then? In my city its important as the average Newporter is a 35 year old single person. (52% of community is unmarried, average age 35) Not to mention the thousands of people under the age of 18 and are exploring the ideas of love and relationships. Here’s how I approach it.
1. (All ages) – Focus on you and God FIRST! If you are not stable as a single person you will not be complete or stable in a relationship either. I tell people learn to be “single.” There is a difference between a single $1 bill and 4 quarters. If you tear the corner off of a $1 bill, while marred it is still a dollar bill and holds its full value. If you remove a quarter from a set of 4 it is now only worth 75 cents. Learn to be SINGLE first and focus on your relationship with God.
2. (If they’re secure enough in God to date – yes, “date!”) Keep the biblical principles of personal relationships front and center. “Don’t be unequally yoked…” If this person doesn’t share the one thing of the most importance with you – God and continued, joyful fellowship with Him – then you’re headed in a place that doesn’t honor God. Can you be “happy” with an unbeliever? Sure. It happens all the time. But is the ultimate source of our joy receiving joy and pleasure from us simultaneously? NOPE!
After that, any advice on dating has to come from a place of trust. You have to be involved in their lives and understand who they are in order to speak clearly to the issue for them. If they are underaged, their parents HAVE to have BIG influence on your opinion. If mom says no dating until 18, then what you say doesn’t matter. If mom says anything goes, then your insight with them HAS to come from a place of fellowship and trust or they will follow some misguided advice from their parents to their own peril. If they trust that you have their best intentions in mind then you have A LOT OF equity to use in your advice giving. And if they are on their own, this also plays a key role. Sometimes you have to tell them the truth (“You have trouble keeping your legs closed. You need to be single for a while”) and the grace you use to tell that truth has to be leveraged in relationship with them or you’ll come off as too harsh or too soft and either way sound advice would go unheard.
So, pastors make sure you are teaching balanced biblical truth and not just your personal convictions because you left a meeting with a teenager who got pregnant and you need to make sure it never happens again. Because eventually, they’ll found out that what you said isn’t REALLY what’s in the Bible. And the results of that may be even worse…
5 Comments
My biggest problem with “dating” … Is when it’s done for recreation. Dating is good when you can build on a foundation of communication and a relationship centered on Christ.
Ultimately the biggest struggle with being single is learning to daily crucify your selfish ambitions and learn to solely depend on God. Trusting in His authority and “goodness”, knowing He has a plan for your life.
Gaurding your heart all the while..
The debate between dating vs courtship vs who knows what else is kind of like debating between using a fork vs using chopsticks. They both get to the end goal, some maybe a little cleaner and neater, others depend on social/cultural norms, but it gets the food to the mouth. So that’s not really the debate. The debate is what is the point of that action? The point is to get the food to the mouth the most efficient way possible (efficient = god honoring?). So we know we don’t want to throw it across the room, and we know we don’t want to dump the food in the garbage or burn it in a pot so you have nothing left to eat, or stab someone in the face with our forks.
Anyways, the point is what is the point of dating or courtship? The point is a godly marriage. Marriage is a sacred institution established by God for the primary purpose of bringing Him glory. It’s main purpose is not, as some think, to procreate, or to have companionship, or to fulfill sexual needs. No. It’s primary purpose is to bring glory and honor to God. It is outward focused, for God’s glory, not inward centered, for our comfort. (thank you carm.org for that agreeable definition).
It’s kind of silly to bash dating or courtship, because they are just the means to the goal.
I think the way to address it this whole topic to teach about godly marriage and relationships first and foremost. Why even use the words “dating” or “courtship?” Did you ever play those ice breaker games where everyone gets all these ingredients, and their friend has to tell them step by step how to get to the end goal, but they don’t necessarily know what the end goal is, and by the time they are done following all these messy directions they just have a sloppy pile of bread and gook? Wouldn’t be easier if we started out by telling them what the end goal was supposed to be about, and clearly defining it? “You are making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a sandwich is two slices of bread with the condiments in the middle.” I think their end product would be more on track than the other guy.
So we should teach about what is a healthy and God honoring marriage. Straight up Biblical theology about it. After that, we teach Christian grace and living, being involved in a healthy local church, spiritual disciplines, holiness, honoring God, being salt and life, missions, having good Christian friends, all that good stuff.
So now people know the clear end goal: biblical marriage, and they know how to live like someone who has been saved. I think that’s where we can now step in and give them even clearer guidelines that are pumped with grace: Stay pure. Consult elders and fellow church members and family for wisdom. Ask yourself “will this relationship glorify God.” Am I being intentional and selfless towards this person? Am I cultivating a relationship that is moving towards a marriage that will showcase the wonderful love that Christ has for the church?
After that, explain Christian freedom. Some people like to cut the crust off of their bread. Its not offensive to God. Others like to toast their bread, or use crunchy peanut butter, that’s cool too. If someone can make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, than we have accomplished our goal.
If we have faithfully taught correct theology to people, I don’t see how they would want to do anything other than honor God in their relationships and strive for his purposes, and they will see that being unequally yoked isn’t even an option. You are dead right about pastor’s not teaching from a personal perspective, but striving to teach biblical truth.
I could be five hundred times wrong. I’m not a skilled professional. But that’s what I think. (sorry for all the ridiculous and terrible analogies… haha.)
Wait, high priest of spiritual progress? That’s my favorite!!!!
Hot dang I just wrote a novel. Oops!
Alissa.. looks like you just wrote you a blog post. COPY/PASTE!!
HAHA! I might just do that=)